Dearest Mrs. Halsema,

Thank you so much for your brave article about me, George Clooney, in the lesbian magazine Opzij. I did cry and sigh for a while from sheer happiness. Never ever, a Dutch woman, let alone a leftwing green politician like yourself, painted such an intriguing and heartbreaking portrait of me. I was overwhelmed by so much warmth and understanding. You have no idea, I should say in your case, you do have lots of ideas what women can do to a man in need. It’s a struggle, like a butcher fights with his knife every day to control the merchandise. Finally and at last I find an intelligent woman with brains that doesn’t try to throw her irresistible curves upon me, as if I am an ordinary lust-object, but someone who just wants ‘to talk’. I was absolutely flabbergasted, not only that you are Dutch, but that you have the guts!

It also strikes me that you are so modest, you’re definitely not thirteen in a dozen, Mrs. Halsema. And I can tell. Don’t even question me about that topic. You are a rare specimen of the species. Yes, you are and I will treasure that in my heart for as long as I live.

The close-up pictures of yourself you enclosed, shot by a friend of yours?, I now carry in my briefcase as valuable objects. It shows what good a person you are that you even let someone you’ve never met in the flesh, have an inside look in your private life. You give that little bit of extra to Victoria’s brand new bikini-line that so many professional models don’t understand. You have no idea how you moved me and Brad while were going through the presents. I hope you don’t mind but these rare and exclusive shots we wouldn’t dare to leak to the media, because we both know how embarrassing that can be for people who don’t understand the word ‘privacy’ or even worse, give a wrong interpretation of the pictures.

At this moment my relationship with the person you mentioned in your article is on the rocks, unfortunately. And I’m not a man that is used to sleep alone. An icon in my position always meets the needs of the less fortunate women in the business that fall between a rock and a hard place. I always facilitate space to prevent some women from falling into the big black hole. Brad an I have seen some terrible cases in our time.

I’m going through a rather deep depression right now and you being such an empathetic woman, will understand this I’m sure. To recover from this great loss, I was picked up by an old friend of mine Mr. R.Br. who flew me in his private jet into the Virgin Islands. He convinced me that there was no need to commit suicide. Next week he is throwing a little New Years’ party around his adorable beach house where he has a dozen of so women flown in, to cheer me up. I haven’t made up my mind yet, whether I will take part of these festivities. But after reading your article about me, the way you analyse me, the thought popped my mind that I could invite you as my mystery guest. The one I could talk to. For some carefree leisure and pleasure-wear relaxation. No strings attached, of course. There’s no dress-code. Because the other women wear next to nothing anyway due to the weather, as you will understand.

After all, after another year of hard labour in parliament you deserve the best of the best. In terms of relaxation and I, George Clooney, have that very luxury spot to offer you. Please, let me know Mrs. Halsema and my pilot will fly you in from any place you are at the time. What’s that place in the centre of Amsterdam, eh.. The Stopera?

Isn’t that a funny name for such a serious business? Anyway, it will be such a change from old routine (hootershunting), to have a descent conversation with a Dutch woman of your intellectual stature. May be there is even space for a part in my new film, ‘The Politician & the Gigolo’ shot entirely on the beautiful island of Mozambique…
It’s going to be a steamy movie about eh well, it’s a cliffhanger for later.

Mrs. Halsema, it’s been so nice writing to you I find it hard to stop, but the call of duty is ringing, even for me. But with this small reaction of attention I hope I do you right. Bless you, may I say Femke (?) and may 2010 make all your dreams, dry or otherwise, come true. Discretion is my middle-name and so is yours, I hope.
Looking forward to an invitation you can’t refuse, I’ll send you the Code!

Enclosed: My, Myself & I

The article was translated for me by an old Dutch friend of mine, Mr. AQ from Amsterdam, who forwarded the magazine to me. I will always be grateful to him for this gesture. He changed my life entirely! and so did You.
Femke, lift me up from my depression and make this dream come true.
Yes, yes, yes, we can. All the signs and signals blink: GREEN!

I’m going to bed now and dream my Dutch Dreams.
In bed I only wear ‘Acqua Di Gio’ (Armani) (our little secret)

And Femke, I confess: ‘Sometimes a hamburger taste better than a steak’.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. George Clooney
(signed in his absence)